Christmas.

Wow. I haven't wrote in ages, which is weird for me. Due to everything going on, it's been almost impossible. However, I couldn't resist writing on Christmas Eve. How important Christmas is, and how nobody should be sad at this time of year.

My Christmas has been highlighted by one person, and it has made me realise the importance of helping others around this time. I've seen Facebook posts involving others buying shopping for those who have struggled - it's amazing. And to do it for someone, is even more amazing. I did my Christmas Shopping about 2 months back, and I had one more payday. I found out someone I cared for deeply, had completely gotten in a tiswalt, to say the least. And I made a promise that I would do my best, to make sure that they and their family would have everything on Christmas. So we went out, and I didn't care about money spent - I just made sure they bought everything they wanted for their family. And when we saw all the presents wrapped up - It was a beautiful sight. Yes eventually, they'll pay me back but at this special time - the smile my help created was astonishing. And I can't wait for 24 hours from now, when I find out how much the family loved their gifts. It will make my Christmas so memorable.

My point here, is Christmas is about GIVING. It is said over and over again. In religion, this is the day that Jesus was given to the world - to create many amazing wonders. Even, without religion, like myself, Christmas is about everybody coming together as one.

Absolutely no one should spend Christmas alone. Even my Mum says this, and if you have met my Mum, you would know how important that is,

This year, I've been able to give two families an amazing Christmas and though one of them families will never know about my kindness, it's still something to cherish.

So guys, please go: Enjoy the season and everything in it! Show kindness to those around you, and continue that way throughout the year..

Merry Christmas!

Forgiveness

I haven't wrote in a while, and although I know that can lose followers - this blog is for me mainly to express myself through a different form.

In 6 months I'll be 20 years old, and it's come to that point where people from High School are adding me on Facebook, even those who used to torment and hate me. If you know me, or if you are a frequent reader of my blog you know I had a rough time during the final year of High School. However, this is now just under 4 years ago - I have grown up. I add those who send me friend requests, mainly to show them how great I'm doing after the torment they consistently gave me.

Although, out of all these people, which there are many - only one had the decency to apologise. And that's who this post is dedicated to:

Imagine two naive and young 15/16 year old girls - closer than friends but not best friends. One of these girls has a mental illness, and the other is beginning to develop one. You'd think this would bring them closer? No. It tore them apart. Limb from limb.

Believe it or not, mental illness wasn't as 'out there' 4 years ago as it is now, and the fact is - young teenagers can be cruel and sick.

So here's the facts to this: I was the girl developing a mental illness. When I found out one of my closest friends had returned from a psychiatric hospital, I was immediately there, and I was worried and upset for her. However, things began to change, and I felt like this girl was out to get me - I began to self harm, she took it as attention-seeking or trying to take the piss out of her. I tried to over-dose, she took it as I tried to copy her. I'll never forget coming home one day from school with her ringing me in tears "Stop doing everything, this is my life, I can't get away from it and you can, it's not fair" I felt everything I was doing was wrong, soon more things would come out for example, a blog-post and a story I wrote a while ago that I posted online. Eventually, it came to shouting and screaming before and after class, our parents were played against each other by the teachers each telling us we were being bullied. I removed myself from my Form at this point, and I wouldn't even go out at dinner or break. It then got bigger, as more people got involved, taunting us against each other. Bare in mind, we were two girls who made a pact to be 'Theatre Buddy's" from Year 9 - things got nasty. And with us both trying to overcome self harm, and different mental illnesses, it got harder and harder. It turned to our Mum's being at war, all eyes were on us everyday to see what drama would unfold next. We had the same boy playing us against each other, we were fighting each other when in fact we should have been fighting everyone around us.

Obviously, when High School ended - this eventually stopped. I next saw this girl, as the Theatre Freaks we are - we joined the same Theatre Summer School. That's where we really made amends, where we came together. It's also the very first time, her Mum had spoke to me since the incident, and the same with my Nan. Then, later, she wrote a seriously heart-warming blog-post apologising to me and explaining and uncovering the fact that some very vindictive people, decided to create their entertainment with out lives. We will never be able to relive that year, and we'll probably never be able to forget it either but I have strength in saying - both of us came out stronger.

My point is forgiveness is what got this girl and I to realise where the lies and torment were coming from. We learnt to forgive each other, and forgive ourselves for our own actions. Alternatively though, most people deserve forgiveness, and some people don't - and realising who is who, takes you a long way throughout your life.

And what do I have to say to this girl now? Well she's not a girl, and turns 19 next month - she's an inspiring young woman with a heart of gold. All I have to say is: I'm Sorry myself, what happened between us shouldn't have, and I forgive you!x

It's about showing Appreciation...

It's important in life to take a step back and write about the good things rather than the bad.. I'm dedicating this blog post personally to those around me... it's not necessarily for everyone to read it's just to show those how much I care.

Jenna - Believe it or not it's been 7 years since we first met and made each other's life hell haha! But you have and will always be my best friend, you make me laugh, you make fod slap myself sometimes but you make me happy. You're such a talented aspirational person, who's going to go so far in life. I love you  <3

Danny & Kelly & Aaron & Coner - We haven't known each other for long but you were all there for me at my time of need when things were extremely rough - you'll always have a friend in me and I'll be there for you both till the end <3

Jess & Lauren - You two are the funniest people I know but you always keep me on my toes at work. I know that both of you are there for me in a flash and as will I be there for you. I can trust youse with anything and everything and you make my life at work a hell of laugh <3

Taylor & Reanne - My work besties! Partners in crime! And I love you both immensely and I know we'll be friends till we're well old! You make me laugh hard, and as a team with unbreakable, ultimate trio really. My love for youse mann! I'm so grateful to have met you both :3 <3

The Miss England NW family and Andy - ahhhh. I don't even know where I'd be without any of you.  Mark and Mary you opened up an opportunity that I will never be able to repay you for. Meeting Miss BB contestants like Holly, Beth, Christina, Laura, Leah, Helaina - literally all of them followed by meeting the crowns such as Steph, Lucy, Chelsea, Holly, Liv, Abbie, Ivy and just everyone else followed my Miss Lancashire crew. These peoole are friends for life and who I love with so much pride. I don't think I'd be able to express how amazing (and stunning) this family. And Andy, you have immensely brought my confidence up, I didn't just meet a incredibly talented photographer but I met a friend too! <3

Carol & Jess - You two are my rocks! You're the people that gave me the confidence to enter the likes of any pageant. You're always there for me 110% and the insight on everything you give me is incredible. You both mean a hell of a lot to my family and I and we can't wait to see you again! The ultimate mother daughter team <3

Ben - It's literally been like almost 2 months since we started becoming close... and that time has gone SUPER quick. But the caress you have shown me in just under 60 days is absolutely amazing. You've been there for me when I'm still trying to get back on my toes and still getting to grip with everything that's happened in the past. You've been patient, and you even attend to my "pathetic neediness" (as a certain family member would call it) you'll literally go out in the morning and bring my anything I need. You open doors and pull out chairs for me.. it's safe to say I haven't met a gentleman like you in a long time. So much love for you <3

Laura - I tell you this as often as possible because I can't express how I feel towards you (without sounding like a freaky stalker) When I first met you, I never thought I'd have met a best friend, a role model and inspiration. I've never met a girl so caring, protective and who shows the same loyalty to me as I show to them. You literally made my Mum cry after seeing everything you have done and do for me. You mean so much to me and so much to my family too. You're a true star in the sky, Laura Collins. I love you <3

The Lake Family - So far away and so much in heart. Having Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles and cousins like you just prove how proud I am to be a Lake :3 You're all super amazing. And Shannon, you've become one of my best friends and it feels like I've known you my entire life. I love you all so much and I can't imagine ever going through life without anyone of you. You're all there to stick up for me and you've all got my back. And most importantly your love towards my Mum brings a tear to my eye. I just love youse! <3

Nan and Grandad - Ahhhh! My crying buddy and my laughing buddy:3 I love you. That literally says everything. We've been through a hell of a lot together but you've brought me to be who I am today. Nan, you've brought me up to show my emotions.. to be proud of who I am and wear my heart on my sleeve.. Grandad, you've brought me up to think logically and use my intelligence to make important decisions in life. You've both made me the person I am today and I wouldn't change either of you for the world.. you're my everything and more <!

Last but not least... Mum - we argue. We cry. We scream. We shout. We swear. We get annoyed. Yet we love. We laugh. We care. We're a team! The best thing is knowing that when times get bad you're always there, ready to support me. And I still think I don't give you enough appreciation where it's due. You've had to be a mother and father to me, and bringing up a hormornal teenage girl is possibly the hardest thing to do. Through all my tough and rough times.. you've stood by me. You've been there at the end of the tunnel and you've been my light to guide me through it. Without you, I wouldn't even be 1/4 of the person I am today and I wouldn't have half the strength. No matter what, married or not, it'll always be you and me. My very loving but very protective Mother Tiger <3

An Experience to Remember

Have you ever thought of putting 3 of the most craziest people you know together, on an early Sunday morning?

I have, it's definitely an experience I won't forget.

January 2016, I took part in one of my first shoots with Andy Bristow, an award-winning and also the Miss England North West heats interview photographer. I first met Andy at Miss Bolton last year, and we immediately got along as we couldn't grasp why I couldn't take a picture with my eyes open - it was quite funny to say the least. I met him again at Miss Lancashire, I was far better at not blinking, but it seems Andy was still the giddy photographer considering he whacked Chelsea's (Previous Miss Bury and also Miss Lancs finalist) drink over with a simple swift of the arm, haha. But one thing I loved about Andy, is the pictures he'd come back with - they always without a doubt made me smile. So at Christmas, I booked my first shoot with him.

Another familiar face who shared this with me was the current Miss Bolton and Bury, and my number one girl: Laura Collins - who pulled an all nighter from her job at a popular nightclub to come to mine at 7am Sunday morning and make me beautiful. As you have seen, Laura is mainly in front of the Camera but this time she was involved in making the pictures through make-up, hair styling, dress providing and also directing - which you'll see soon. I'll never be able to express my gratitude towards Laura, but her being proud was the best feeling imaginable.

Alongside these two wonderful people, was my Mum, the most particular and detailed person I knew - immediately we all knew we'd be in for a fun day. 

First location: Forest

This was actually an idea of my Mum's, she liked the type of forest shoots so Andy sent us on a 'floaty dress' hunt around Amazon. At one point he was helping us look up dresses, I can't imagine how his internet history would have looked. Eventually we found one, in my 'go-to' colour, red. And I can honestly say it was a extremely cold morning, and getting changed in a forest didn't help. Laura can back me up on this, she stole my clothes, my shoes and even my scarfs.

The highlights:

Watching Laura transition from being sleepy to being bouncy jumping and singing on logs. My Mum being given one job and not even able to do that (ended up dropping the white umbrella thing of Andy's in the mood) Me falling everywhere. Dogs surrounding us (a husky named 'Princess' ended up on Laura's back) and not to mention, Laura trying to fold a moon shaped disc back into it's small bag.

The Photos:

Second Location: A hidden gem in Preston

Let me just say, this location was devised from the clockworks in Andy's mind. He went from sports car to old car - quite a strange process but it was amazing. Andy found a very spectacular back garden, featuring old classic cars, old fashioned petrol station, even a Cinderella style cart. It was truly hidden and truly amazing. Tony and his wife were immediately accommodating and couldn't provide for us enough, I was still freezing from the forest so he switched his home-made fire on in the garage - it became a regular sitting spot for Laura and I.

The Highlights: 

I had woken up at this point, and I had just noticed just before Andy takes a picture he smiles really big; and this made me giggle. Laura took to the director's chair and came up with some smashing ideas and her car which is always full of her stuff became so useful. And some of the last minute ideas became beautiful shots, I even got the chance to wear Laura's Miss England dress from Just Boutique, Horwich.

The Photos:

There's quite a few in this category so I selected a few favourites:

Third Location: The Home Studio

This was like a club rave with the music, I wanted some natural shots really without the perks of a location - so we went for the studio. Which it's safe to say, the pictures once again came out amazing which just proves Andy's talent. I also was able to borrow Lucy's (the current Miss Lancashire) Miss England dress which I absolutely fell in love with. 

The Highlights:

My Mum was the funniest at this shoot. Andy would give me certain directions, and my Mum was at the side copying every single direction Andy gave to me. As well as this, some of the direction like the signal to say 'come here' I just couldn't grasp. AND ANDY FINALLY PUT HIS PHOTOGRAPHER t-shirt on (which I had be waiting for the entire time)

The Photos:

Make up and Hair: Laura Collins

Photographer: Andy Bristow, http://www.andybristowphotography.co.uk or 'Andy Bristow Photography' on Facebook

Control from the Charm.

I wanted my comeback blog post to be inspiring in response to not posting in quite sometime - so he we go.

I have not yet posted my own experience, unfortunately I have not been able to come to terms with it as fast as I wanted to. I've wrote several blog posts about my experience with a being in the past but never had the willingness to post any of them. So here I go, with a deep breath... my story that only few people outside my family.

Many of you will have met a charmer. The guy who sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel like you're living a fairytale; begins to make you feel beautiful and perfect and makes you happy... Yeah I met somebody like this; and unfortunately it was the best cover up my family and I had ever encountered.

But the thing with charm.. is that it often comes with control. And within a few weeks, completely oblivious to my eyes, I was beginning to be controlled.

There was now certain people I wasn't allowed to speak to or mention. If I was to say a guy is good looking, that'd cause an argument. I was made to believe that my colleagues and best friends hated me and just put up with me. And consistently told not to speak about our business to any of them. I was then convinced my family were out of order and that I needed to get away from them. I had to stay up till they'd gone to sleep whether on the phone or in person. If they needed me, I had to drop everything and go to them otherwise an argument was caused.

Suddenly, my clothes and make up became an issue "your eye shadow does nothing for you" , "I don't like that outfit" and "can't you do something with your hair"

Next minute, it seemed that my money was also their money. I was buying his food, his petrol, his clothing at one point - even funded his night out too. My money wasn't mine anymore, I even took money from my savings account saved by my family because I became really bad with money.

If I didn't show interest in a particular subject and laughed it off.. that was an issue then they'd list the flaws that I have and make it appear to be me that's the problem. I couldn't have a better job, I couldn't be smarter and I couldn't have a greater achievement.

Further on from that, I'd be called names in an argument ranging from "rat", "sket" to "a fucking mess" - towards the end (luckily) one threat was even mentioned "or I'll back hand you"

I stopped putting on makeup, stopped being happy, walking on eggshells and cried quite regularly. I let myself completely fall in the gutter.

This isn't love. This isn't Prince Charming. This is poison. I was so close to losing my friends and family.

The worse thing is that, so many girls/women are going through the SAME thing and aren't realising. They are prepared to lose everyone and fight for this guy, who they believe love them when in fact it's all a one man show.

This post isn't to name and shame, hence why no names are mentioned. It's up to those around me who choose to believe who they think it's about. I've posted this to ask other girls, to look at themselves and if they see this... to stop. To think. And if it's happening, to change and walk away.

It's the best thing I ever did, but I almost got too far in the act.

Girls, you are empowering women and don't let a man change that 💕